If you were a booger, I’d pick you first! That’s how it started, I met this girl last week; she was gorgeous. I thought I was going crazy, but she reminded me of the Chicago Bulls circa 1996. She had everything: commanding personality, front and backcourt press (that just sounds wrong), and swag; I’m talking 72 and 10 swag. I started wondering if I could analogize eight of the current best teams in the NBA to some stereotypical women. Here is what I came up with:
Orlando Magic- “The Keeps You Guessing Female”
We all have met a version of this girl; she is the one that changes her look with little notice. She vacillates between being a blond and brunette several times in the course of an academic year. Every now and again, she might “step her game up” and show a little skin, but then switch her style up to preppy. She keeps everyone guessing, but there is very little “growth” in her overall appeal. She is a solid 8.13 on the most austere of rating scale; despite changing her look, she hovers around that number.
Much like “that girl,” the Magic seem to struggle getting over the hump between being a good team and a great team. They have made moves on moves on moves. Since drafting Howard, they have been involved in transactions including: McGrady, Francis, Hardaway, Turkoglu, Christie, Nelson, Hill, Arroyo, Milicici, Ariza, Redick, Lewis, Alston, Lee, Carter, Barnes, Williams, and Arense, among others. In response to their best chance to move up the rating scale, Lee missed a game wining lay-up, Nelson gave up a wide-open three, and Howard missed game changing free throws while allowing Bryant to punk him out of a rebound. Given their recent moves, this team is still a threat to win it all. If they don’t fold under pressure, play smart basketball, and make their shots consistently, they could win the tittle this year. For my money, that is one too many “if’s,” they get bounced in the second round by the Heat, Bulls, or Celtics.
Chicago Bulls – “The Foine New Girl”
San Antonio Spurs – “The Dime in Disguise” Version 1.0
This is the classic hoody loving, stretchy pants wearing, gym gear living female that flies under everyone’s radar. She is the quite one that keeps to herself, participates in class when called upon, and tries her best to blend into the masses. Then, without warning, she comes into class one day looking like a dime. I’m talking nails done, hair done, everything did. Everyone is whispering to one another “who the fuck is that?!” Only to realize it is… the Dime in Disguise (okay, that was a bit dramatic, but you get my point.)
While this team has undergone a paradigm shift in their philosophy and personnel, the Spurs are that prototypical franchise. They dress down during the regular season, making their way through the break with a respectable and formidable regular season record. Then, BAM! They knock off the Lakers, outlast the Pistons, and dominate LeBron and the Ca… well, LeBron. They do it every season. The difference this year is they came with their A-game from the first tip. Save their lack of size, ageing great, and unfortunate roadblock (Lakers), this team would be a legitimate contender for the title. Unfortunately, for them, the prior three are all facts. Look for them to fall to Oklahoma City, Dallas, or LA in the second round.
Oklahoma City Thunder “The Dime in Disguise” Version 2.0
Dallas Mavericks “The 7”
This team reminds me of that girl you know you shouldn’t get involved with, but you still do. She is cute, but not what you want in a partner. Superficially, she isn’t a “10;” she is a 7. The more you hang out, the more engaging she becomes; her smile starts to catch your eye, and before you know it, you are in a serious relationship. About a year down the line, despite hopes that something amazing would come out of the relationship, reality sets in and things just don’t work out. Despite warnings from family and friends, the inevitable happens and you break up.
Does that not describe the Mavericks for the past eight years?! Mavericks’ fans should have known better, but they wouldn’t listen to wisdom. Despite having Steve and Dirk, Dirk’s MVP, great regular season records; they fold when it counts. Just when fans start to get behind this team and sense something great, they lose in the first round, as a one seed, to the Golden State Warriors (the same team they could have kept from making the playoffs had they not sat their starters at the end of the season.) As if that weren’t tragic enough, they made it to the finals, and were poised to take a 3-1 lead in the series. Like clockwork, they collapsed losing the next four games. While I am high on this team this year (picking them to meet the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals), their window might have closed … five years ago.
I cannot bear to describe any female in the same breath as Rondo, Davis, Pierce, Krstic, West, and Garnett. If Sam Cassell were to take over for Doc, it might be the ugliest team in NBA history. Having said that, they are a powerhouse and the only team that can wreck my final’s prediction.
Miami Heat “The Shallow Dime”
She is the ten that makes you break your neck, clip your nails, shave, and put on a fitted button-up. She has the eyes of Adriana Lima, skin of Beyonce, hair of Kim Kardashian, legs of Aniston, and body of Halle. Only problem is she has the brain of Paris Hilton.
Miami has incredible talent on their roster. The problem is they do not seem to have a) the supporting cast (specifically athletic bigs) and b) the mental fortitude to push through this year. Like the Shallow Dime, they have everything going for them but for the lack of a brain, they will not get it done. Having said that, I am sticking with my preseason pick, they will make it to the finals. Until then, they need to start taking a crash course in “Winning” (I’m saying that in Charlie Sheen’s voice – come on you didn’t think I was going to go this whole article without mentioning him.)
Los Angeles Lakers “The Alpha Female”
While this girl isn’t as “hot” as the Shallow Dime, she is the right combination in everything else. Beautiful, smart, goal oriented, stylish, swag for days, and is up in the gym working on her fitness. She has the uncanny ability to make men chase her, and make women despise her.
My preseason pick to win it all, the Lakers are and have been the most complete and balanced team (save the Celtics) in the league for the past four years. They have exceptional coaching, leadership, talent, and experience. Their size will allow them to impose their will during extended series. They have the best closer in basketball, which will be enough for a couple wins in the playoffs. Their depth chart reads formidable with Barns, Blake, Brown, and Odom coming off the bench. Lakers in six over Miami. BET THAT… wait what … Miami has lost five in a row? What’s cry-gate?
So next time you meet a girl, or are trying to spit game at a stranger, uses this line, “Guuurl, you remind me of the Los Angeles Lakers!” See how far that gets you.