I really enjoy ranking things. Be it athletes, teams, schools, movies, candies, cities, freeways, women (thought I’d sneak that in here), artists, dancers, cars, buildings, pens, watches; you name it, I’ll rank it. In the spirit of my peculiarity, I thought it proper to rank fights! Not just any fights, but basketball fights. So I submit to you the top-ten best on-court fights in recent NBA history:
10. Miller v. Bryant
Oh, look there’s Reggie Miller… and Shaq … and Artest! Foreshadowing.
9. Pippen v. Walker
LOL! Pippen tried to slap dude. Then Walker tried to retaliate by challenging Pippen to a dance off OR maybe he was spaz-n out OR maybe he was trying to hit the referee?
8. Jordan v. Miller
Oh look, there’s Reggie again.
7. Davis v. Howard’s Elbow
Glad Big Baby was okay. Having said that, it was so funny seeing him confused and stumbling around the court trouble. The best part of the whole thing was how confused Doc Rivers was … he didn’t know if he should yell at Davis, help him, or run.
6. Childs v. Bryant
Favorite thing about this fight, other than the one-two combo Childs put on Kobe’s chin, Shaq manhandling old man Ewing. Ewing tried to stand up for himself, but Shaq just kept pushing him across the court.
5. Barkley v. O’Neal
Look at Charles “The Spear” Barkley. Barkley is perhaps the only man in history that could lift Shaq and drive him into the ground. Given that, I had to move this altercation into the top-five. Also, it was pretty funny to see Charles bounce the ball off Shaq’s head. Even funnier was the way Charles closed his eyes and ducked his head when Shaq threw his left-cross.
4. Miller v. O’Neal
Shaq is lucky free throws aren’t the only thing off about his game. If he managed to connect on this punch, Brad Miller would be dead, Shaq would be in jail, and the Lakers would only have won two titles during their championship run. Fun facts: Top-Ten Fight’s Hall of Famers, Ron Artest and Charles Oakley, have literally got Shaq’s back. Phil Jackson and Bill Cartwright are trying to figure out what is going on. And Kobe Bryant is on the periphery with no intention of getting hit with an ”inadvertent” Shaq elbow.
3. Christie v. Fox
This was something out of the WWE. Not only did we get some solid punches on the court, they took it to the back a-la a no-holds-barred street match between Mankind and The Undertaker. After both players were ejected form the game, we thought the fighting was over. That was until, out of now where, Doug Christie’s Wife (in the purple) slipped Doug a pair of brass knuckles. Not to be outdone, Fox’s tag-team partner, Shaq, come out in street-clothing throwing bows. The only thing that could have made the card better was if Kobe’s wife was scheduled for a Lingerie Match.
2. Johnson v. Mourning
A number of points must be illuminated to fully appreciate the grandness of this event. First, Alonzo Mourning and Grand-Mama aka LJ aka Larry Johnson started to slap-box on the court. Second, Charles “The Enforcer” Oakley was trying to choke Mourning. Third, Jeff Van Gundy wrapped his entire body around an ankle of Mourning. Fourth, you will notice, there was a point where everyone seized fighting to looks down at Van Gundy in a state of majestic confusion. Fifth, Oakley was holding back Van Gundy … from what I still do not know. Sixth, Van Gundy’s comb-over /Donald Trump was rebelling against his forehead. Seventh, Van Gundy’s comb-over was rebelling against his forehead! Eighth, Mourning was totally ignoring Pat Riley. And ninth seven punches were thrown between Mourning and Johnson … none landed.
1. Wallace v. Artest, Artest v. Random; Jackson v. Random; O’Neal v. Random
This was one of those, “where were you, when it happened,” epic moments in American culture. This momentous occasion brought us, the Hall of Famer himself, Ron Artest and the Criminal of Criminal’s Steven Jackson together in the most epic NBA battle to date.
Round One: Artest pushed Wallace in the back of the head, in an effort to commit a hard foul. Wallace charged Artest while the Pacers’ assistant coaches made sure the reserves remained on the bench. The round concluded with Steven Jackson squaring up against … well he was just squaring up and yelling.
Round Two: Ron Ron lays down on the scorer’s table while Reggie Miller gives him a massage. Ron gets on a headset to tell everyone Reggie is a great masseur. One of the fan’s hears this and takes issue with it, throwing a plastic cup containing beer at Artest.
Round Three: Artest and Jackson rushed the stands. Ron spotted a man whom he thought threw the bear and got ready to cock back and end his life with a right cross. As he ran towards the guy, a female in the crowed was caught off guard. She stopped yelling at Ron and said, “Oh shit, this son of a bitch is running at me” she rushed to retreat to the green zone. As Ron went to swing on the poor guy, the real perpetrator -dressed in blue- tackled him. Steven meanwhile was swinging away … As he so eloquently opined, “We (the Pacers’ Team, presumably) ride mutha fu*king togetha, son.” As the fight came to an end, the guy that threw the beer, started punching Artest in the face (from behind.) Artest threw a couple of punches and was like, “fu*k this shit, I’m out.”
Round Four: As Ron attempted to leave; two idiots thought it was good business to square up with a 6’6, 240 pound athlete. Artest got a couple of serviceable shots in and thought to himself “myself, it is time to peel.”
Round Five: Jermaine O’Neal came in and leveled one of the two idiots on the court. Perhaps the most fascinating “running-punch” in the history of running and punches. He hit dude so hard, Mike Tyson was jealous. As Artest moved to walk off the court a police officer ran up to him and shook his mace canister. Artest was then rushed off the floor as though he were the President escaping an assassination attempt (except, replace the bullets with cups of beer.)
There you have it. Recap: We learned that Shaq, Artest, and Miller were around most all of these fights. The Lakers and the Pacers should be praised for their consistent placing on the list. And Jeff Van Gundy did right by himself when he decided to shave his Donald Trump.
Please, take full liberty in improving this list in the comments sections!